What is sexual fidelity and why is it so important?
5/30/24
This is a tough one. In many ways the general culture of the United States has changed in its view of sexuality since the start of the 20th century. Much of this change is related to the concepts people hold regarding the purpose of marriage, the default structure of a family, and the importance we assign to self-fulfillment and identity.
At the start of the Christian era, only Jews and Christians held to their radically different view of marriage, family, and self-fulfillment. They stood out against the broader culture in very stark terms. Only there could you find the attitude that both people involved in a marriage would be faithful to the other. Only there would you find all the children who came forth from the parents to be accepted and valued. And only there did you find the concept of a positive, unconditional laying down of one's own desires in favor of the other family members. That was earth-shattering. Numerous historical scholars observe that this view of the family was one of the prime motivators for people to convert to Christianity. It was only within Christianity that women and children could count on being valued and protected.
What does this have to do with sexual fidelity? A whole lot! The Christian concept of fidelity, faithfulness to the person to whom you are married, is rooted in biblical truth. In the first two chapters of Genesis, from the creation, people were made male and female, with the intent that the husband and wife would live together within marriage, nurturing whatever children were given to them. Through the history of Israel, God would use terms such as "adultery" as a metaphor for Israel's faithlessness. When God's people went after the false gods of their neighbors, they were seen as violating their pledge to God, and were reminded that God never violates his pledge to them. Marriage was seen as a safeguard for all people involved. For the man it was an assurance that his wife would be faithful to him, as his partner and nobody else's. For the woman, the same was true, and there was the added benefit that her husband was both morally and legally obligated to work as hard as was necessary to care for her needs. In turn, she would do what she could to care for the needs of others in the family.
Marriage protects children as well. Much research shows that a father and a mother engage the task of parenting differently from each other. Both people bring value to the children they are raising. And they do it best together. The marriage, then, is to bind husbands and wives together in a lifelong, faithful relationship, and to raise whatever children they have as positive and productive members of the society, which the parents model for them.
This is a really good thing. It means that children don't have to figure everything out for themselves. They can learn and grow in a setting that cares for them. Because of the covenantal nature of marriage, there should be no fear of abandonment or other harm.
Does this always work out? No, not at all. As we can readily understand, sometimes a parent dies. Sometimes two married people show hostility to one another, or that hostility may be centered more in one or the other person. We realize that all sorts of things can go wrong. Yet that doesn't negate the value of a marriage in which both members are faithful to one another.
Do you notice that I have talked about marriage entirely in terms of one husband and one wife? In the beginning, God made people male and female, and it's for a reason. Several reasons, in fact. To continue the human race, both male and female are needed. And to bind parents and children together, the faithful relationship of a father and a mother is best. That's a primary job of a marriage. Another job of a marriage, possibly more important than the first, is described by the apostle Paul in his letter to the Ephesians, chapter five. There he describes the care a husband and wife have for one another. Then he says it is actually a picture of Christ and the Church. All those times in the Old Testament where God talked about Israel being adulterous by going after other gods? That's a New Testament picture as well. Picture God as the husband/father and the Church as the wife/mother. There are different roles. Both care for one another. God, like the good husband, provides what is necessary and helpful to the Church. The Church, like the good wife, cares for the family and does what it takes to keep the family together.
By the way, this is the reasoning that should stand behind most Christians' rejection of plural marriage, divorce and remarriage, and calling same-sex relationship marriage. In all of those scenarios, the picture of Christ and his Church is badly marred.
This is also the reason why sexual activity is to be delayed until marriage. The only person to be intimately involved with is someone who is recognized as your partner for life. As God is faithful to his people, they are to be faithful to one another. There's nothing temporary about our God. There should be nothing temporary about the marital relationship that mirrors Christ and the Church.
The family, likewise, is a picture of a functional society. In the family you have a gathering (again, lifelong) of different people with different strengths and weaknesses. It's just like a village or a city, except it is self-consciously permanent. It must never be based only on affection. That's a temporary thing. Rather, a family consists of those who are related to one another, including those who have been adopted into the family through marriage or adoption, and can be recognized as a family. The family is a good thing. It's the first line of defense against those who would bring harm to our family members.
What does our self-perceived identity have to do with this? Actually, it has relatively little to do with it. The problem I see with our self-identity is that it is not a very helpful way to evaluate anything. As an example, at a graduation I attended on Mother's Day in 2024, the speaker asked who "identifies as a mother." This struck me as an absurd statement, as it should strike you. It doesn't matter if you "identify" as a mother. Are you a mother? We don't get to invent our personas. If we try to do so, those personas will be as weak as our imagination. Rather, we want to have an identity rooted in sound and eternal things. Did God call me to be a man? Then I will practice being a man! Did God call you to be a woman? Then practice being a woman! As God has placed us in relationships, we learn to live in them, recognizing them as something which is good and proper.
Marriage is something made by God. It's for the good of those people engaged in it. It builds relationships which are salutary and stable. Family is the basic unit of socialization. We are all placed into families. It's for the good of all. As we live out that identity, not one we created for ourselves, we become the kind of society that our world needs.
So marital fidelity, the faithful and exclusive relation of husband and wife, with no attempt at marital kinds of sexual expression outside of that exclusive relationship, is of primary importance. We guard ourselves, and guard others, from engaging in relationships which will fall short of God's priorities.
5/30/24
This is a tough one. In many ways the general culture of the United States has changed in its view of sexuality since the start of the 20th century. Much of this change is related to the concepts people hold regarding the purpose of marriage, the default structure of a family, and the importance we assign to self-fulfillment and identity.
At the start of the Christian era, only Jews and Christians held to their radically different view of marriage, family, and self-fulfillment. They stood out against the broader culture in very stark terms. Only there could you find the attitude that both people involved in a marriage would be faithful to the other. Only there would you find all the children who came forth from the parents to be accepted and valued. And only there did you find the concept of a positive, unconditional laying down of one's own desires in favor of the other family members. That was earth-shattering. Numerous historical scholars observe that this view of the family was one of the prime motivators for people to convert to Christianity. It was only within Christianity that women and children could count on being valued and protected.
What does this have to do with sexual fidelity? A whole lot! The Christian concept of fidelity, faithfulness to the person to whom you are married, is rooted in biblical truth. In the first two chapters of Genesis, from the creation, people were made male and female, with the intent that the husband and wife would live together within marriage, nurturing whatever children were given to them. Through the history of Israel, God would use terms such as "adultery" as a metaphor for Israel's faithlessness. When God's people went after the false gods of their neighbors, they were seen as violating their pledge to God, and were reminded that God never violates his pledge to them. Marriage was seen as a safeguard for all people involved. For the man it was an assurance that his wife would be faithful to him, as his partner and nobody else's. For the woman, the same was true, and there was the added benefit that her husband was both morally and legally obligated to work as hard as was necessary to care for her needs. In turn, she would do what she could to care for the needs of others in the family.
Marriage protects children as well. Much research shows that a father and a mother engage the task of parenting differently from each other. Both people bring value to the children they are raising. And they do it best together. The marriage, then, is to bind husbands and wives together in a lifelong, faithful relationship, and to raise whatever children they have as positive and productive members of the society, which the parents model for them.
This is a really good thing. It means that children don't have to figure everything out for themselves. They can learn and grow in a setting that cares for them. Because of the covenantal nature of marriage, there should be no fear of abandonment or other harm.
Does this always work out? No, not at all. As we can readily understand, sometimes a parent dies. Sometimes two married people show hostility to one another, or that hostility may be centered more in one or the other person. We realize that all sorts of things can go wrong. Yet that doesn't negate the value of a marriage in which both members are faithful to one another.
Do you notice that I have talked about marriage entirely in terms of one husband and one wife? In the beginning, God made people male and female, and it's for a reason. Several reasons, in fact. To continue the human race, both male and female are needed. And to bind parents and children together, the faithful relationship of a father and a mother is best. That's a primary job of a marriage. Another job of a marriage, possibly more important than the first, is described by the apostle Paul in his letter to the Ephesians, chapter five. There he describes the care a husband and wife have for one another. Then he says it is actually a picture of Christ and the Church. All those times in the Old Testament where God talked about Israel being adulterous by going after other gods? That's a New Testament picture as well. Picture God as the husband/father and the Church as the wife/mother. There are different roles. Both care for one another. God, like the good husband, provides what is necessary and helpful to the Church. The Church, like the good wife, cares for the family and does what it takes to keep the family together.
By the way, this is the reasoning that should stand behind most Christians' rejection of plural marriage, divorce and remarriage, and calling same-sex relationship marriage. In all of those scenarios, the picture of Christ and his Church is badly marred.
This is also the reason why sexual activity is to be delayed until marriage. The only person to be intimately involved with is someone who is recognized as your partner for life. As God is faithful to his people, they are to be faithful to one another. There's nothing temporary about our God. There should be nothing temporary about the marital relationship that mirrors Christ and the Church.
The family, likewise, is a picture of a functional society. In the family you have a gathering (again, lifelong) of different people with different strengths and weaknesses. It's just like a village or a city, except it is self-consciously permanent. It must never be based only on affection. That's a temporary thing. Rather, a family consists of those who are related to one another, including those who have been adopted into the family through marriage or adoption, and can be recognized as a family. The family is a good thing. It's the first line of defense against those who would bring harm to our family members.
What does our self-perceived identity have to do with this? Actually, it has relatively little to do with it. The problem I see with our self-identity is that it is not a very helpful way to evaluate anything. As an example, at a graduation I attended on Mother's Day in 2024, the speaker asked who "identifies as a mother." This struck me as an absurd statement, as it should strike you. It doesn't matter if you "identify" as a mother. Are you a mother? We don't get to invent our personas. If we try to do so, those personas will be as weak as our imagination. Rather, we want to have an identity rooted in sound and eternal things. Did God call me to be a man? Then I will practice being a man! Did God call you to be a woman? Then practice being a woman! As God has placed us in relationships, we learn to live in them, recognizing them as something which is good and proper.
Marriage is something made by God. It's for the good of those people engaged in it. It builds relationships which are salutary and stable. Family is the basic unit of socialization. We are all placed into families. It's for the good of all. As we live out that identity, not one we created for ourselves, we become the kind of society that our world needs.
So marital fidelity, the faithful and exclusive relation of husband and wife, with no attempt at marital kinds of sexual expression outside of that exclusive relationship, is of primary importance. We guard ourselves, and guard others, from engaging in relationships which will fall short of God's priorities.
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